The ADHD – non ADHD relationship dynamic is complex. It’s often misunderstood andrarely talked about with the nuance it deserves.

What This Difference Can Look Like in a Relationship

ADHD isn’t just about forgetfulness or distraction. It’s a neurological difference that affects how someone processes time, emotion, and connection. In relationships, this might show up as:

• Difficulty following through on shared plans
• Emotional reactivity or shutdowns during conflict
• Uneven distribution of household or emotional labour
• Feeling like you’re “parenting” your partner – or being parented
• A painful sense of being misunderstood, criticised, or never quite enough

These patterns aren’t about laziness or lack of love. They’re often the result of invisible neurodivergent wiring clashing with neurotypical expectations.

What ADHD–Non-ADHD Couples Often Struggle With

When one partner has ADHD and the other doesn’t, the relationship can feel like a constant mismatch of expectations, emotional rhythms, and communication styles. These differences aren’t about lack of effort or love, they’re about wiring. And without support, they can lead to deep relational strain.

Here are some common challenges couples describe in therapy:

Emotional mismatch

One partner may feel emotionally flooded or reactive, while the other shuts down or withdraws. This can lead to painful misunderstandings, especially when ADHD-related sensitivity or rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) is involved.

Time Blindness & Follow-Through

ADHD can affect how someone experiences time, urgency, and task completion. The non-ADHD partner may feel like they’re carrying the mental load or constantly chasing accountability, while the ADHD partner feels nagged, shamed, or overwhelmed.

Uneven Emotional Labour

The non-ADHD partner may feel like the “project manager” of the relationship – organising, reminding, and compensating. Over time, this can create resentment, burnout, and a sense of emotional loneliness.

Repeating Conflict Cycles

Many couples find themselves stuck in the same arguments: one partner feels unheard, the other feels criticised. These cycles can escalate quickly, especially when impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, or executive functioning challenges are in play.

Communication Breakdowns

ADHD can affect working memory and attention, making it hard to stay present in emotionally charged conversations. The non-ADHD partner may interpret this as avoidance or lack of care, while the ADHD partner feels overwhelmed or unable to respond effectively.

Identity & Self-Esteem

Both partners may struggle with identity in the relationship. The ADHD partner may feel “too much” or “not enough,” while the non-ADHD partner feels invisible, unsupported, or emotionally exhausted. These feelings can erode intimacy and trust.

The ADHD–Non-ADHD Dynamic: A Pattern, Not a Problem

Many couples fall into a cycle: one partner feels overwhelmed and unheard, the other feels criticised and defensive. Over time, this can erode emotional safety, even when both partners are trying their best.

That’s why ADHD relationship support needs more than generic couples therapy. It needs a space that understands both nervous systems and helps you build a shared emotional map.

What ADHD Relationship Support Can Look Like

As a BACP-accredited counsellor, Certified Imago Relationship Counsellor and ADHD therapeutic coach, I offer a structured ADHD Couples Course designed specifically for neurodiverse relationships. It blends:

• Psychoeducation – understanding how the ADHD brain works
• Therapeutic tools –  for emotional regulation and communication
• Coaching strategies –  to shift stuck patterns and build new rhythms
• Relational repair –  so you can reconnect with empathy and clarity

Whether you’re newly navigating a diagnosis or years into a cycle of frustration, this course offers a different way forward.

Online ADHD Couples Therapy Across the UK

I also work with couples online across the UK as well as face to face in Lytham St Annes, I offer accessible, emotionally attuned support wherever you are. If you’re searching for:

• ADHD relationship support UK
• Online ADHD couples therapy
• Help for ADHD–non-ADHD relationship dynamics
• Therapy for couples with ADHD partner

I can help you.

Ready to Reconnect?

When couples feel stuck, it’s often because they’re trying to connect using tools that no longer work.

If you’re ready to shift the rhythm of your relationship, I’ll help you find a new way forward.

Explore the ADHD Couples Course or Get in touch to see if it’s the right fit for you.

The post “Why Does This Feel So Hard?” – Understanding ADHD in Relationships appeared first on Vicky Ashraf.

This blog is something deeply personal – a heartfelt letter to those I love. It’s my way of reaching past the stumbled words and letting you glimpse what ADHD feels like from the inside. How it shapes my emotions, motivation, energy and sense of self. How it leaves its fingerprints on every part of my day. I also share what it’s like to grow up in a neurotypical world, where the rules never quite matched how my brain worked, and how the echoes of that mismatch still affect me now.

Whether you’re reading this to feel less alone or to better understand someone close to you, I hope it offers insight, compassion, and a gentle reminder: you are OK – just as you are.

To Everyone I Love and Who Loves Me

I often struggle to say what ADHD really feels like. Sometimes the words just don’t land right, or I get tangled in trying to explain. This letter feels easier – softer somehow – a way to help you understand why I struggle in ways that don’t always make sense from the outside.

Living with ADHD isn’t just about distraction or forgetfulness. It runs deep – shaping my emotions, my sense of time, my energy levels, my relationships, my motivation, and my self-worth.

There are things I struggle with that might seem small or frustrating from the outside. But it’s not because I don’t care, and it’s never because I’m not trying. My brain is wired differently, and sometimes that makes life harder than it looks.

How my ADHD affects me

Forgetfulness & Time Blindness
I don’t forget things because they’re unimportant. ADHD affects my working memory – even when something really matters, I might still forget. Time feels slippery, like I can’t grasp it properly. Planning and estimating often feel like guesswork.

Task Paralysis & Procrastination
This isn’t about laziness. My brain has difficulty starting tasks, especially when they feel complicated, unfamiliar, or uninteresting. Even something small can feel mentally out of reach. I might genuinely want to get things done, but I often can’t access the part of my brain that helps me begin. It’s not a lack of motivation; it’s a neurological challenge that makes the process of starting feel much harder than it looks from the outside.

Roller Coaster Emotions
My feelings don’t arrive calmly – they crash in like waves. I can go from joyful to overwhelmed in no time. Small things can feel huge before I regain perspective. I know it’s intense. I wish I had more control.

Emotional Sensitivity (RSD)
Criticism feels painful, even when it’s gentle. Rejection – even imagined – hits hard. If I seem upset about something small, it’s not drama, it’s the way my brain processes threat and loss. It can feel unbearable.

Perfectionism & People-Pleasing
I often feel like I need to do things perfectly – or not at all. I try so hard to make others happy, sometimes at the expense of my own needs. It’s not people-pleasing for show – it’s the weight of having felt not-good-enough for so long.

Mental Hyperactivity & Exhaustion
My brain rarely rests. Thoughts dart and leap, making relaxation difficult. Some days I’m intensely focused, other days even simple tasks feel impossible. This inconsistency wears me down.

Hobby Hyperfocus & Drop-off
I get wildly excited about new hobbies. I dive in, research, invest… and then lose interest just as quickly. It’s not that I don’t care. My brain thrives on novelty, and when the dopamine dips, my energy does too.

Last-Minute Rush (The Dopamine/Stress Link)
I don’t procrastinate because I want to. I often can’t generate motivation until stress kicks in. That urgency unlocks the energy to act. It’s why I leave things late – it’s my brain’s way of jump-starting focus.

Inconsistency & Structure
I know routines would help. I crave them. But my brain resists sameness. Even when something works, sticking with it feels like swimming against the tide. I’m not flaky, I’m neurologically wired for change.

Simple Tasks, Big Overwhelm
Things like phone calls or emails can feel huge. Not because they’re hard – but because breaking them down into steps feels like navigating fog. It takes effort I can’t always summon.

Growing Up in a World That Didn’t Fit
School was brutal. Workplaces often are, too. They’re set up for minds that sit still, follow long instructions, stay on task. I spent years trying to mask my struggles and play along. Inside, I felt scattered, stupid and out of place. I wasn’t failing – but I thought I was. That mismatch etched deep lines into my self-esteem, and I still carry them.

ADHD and Depression
ADHD doesn’t travel alone – it often brings depression too. After years of feeling misunderstood and out of sync, the weight builds quietly. There’s a deep heaviness that settles in after trying too hard, for too long. It’s not weakness. It’s wear and tear. Depression shows up in the quiet moments between tasks I couldn’t start, or in the numbness after pushing past my limits. It deserves care – not shame.

ADHD and Self Esteem
I have spent years feeling stupid. No matter how hard I tried, I never felt good enough. I couldn’t explain why things were harder for me, why I was always behind, always apologising. I internalised the idea that I was broken in some way. The toll wasn’t just emotional, it shaped how I saw myself. It’s getting easier as I lean into self-compassion, but it can still run deep.

What I Need From You

Living with ADHD means navigating an invisible layer of effort that most people will never see. The struggle isn’t about lack of care or not trying hard enough – it’s about a brain that moves differently through the world. I’m learning, and trying to manage, but it’s still hard. Every day.

I don’t need fixing. I don’t want tiptoes. I just need you to understand that when I seem distant, slow, scattered or intense – it’s not personal. I’m doing my best, and some days, that’s all I have.

Your kindness means more than I can say. Encouragement helps me bloom. Criticism wilts me fast. Knowing I’m loved – even in my messiness – is life-changing.

I know my ADHD can feel confusing. I know it’s a lot. But thank you for holding space for me. For loving me in all my unpredictability.

And Finally… Please Talk To Me

Don’t hold back for fear of upsetting me. Share your feelings, your needs, your boundaries. Your emotions matter just as much. Let’s stay open, honest, imperfectly kind. We won’t get it perfect, but we’ll figure it out together.

Thank you for loving me as I am. You may never know just how much that means.

With love, Vicky x

The post To Everyone I Love: What ADHD Really Feels Like appeared first on Vicky Ashraf.

If you’ve spent years feeling like you’re “too much” or “not enough,” you’re not alone. Many women with ADHD experience these thoughts, often magnified by late diagnoses, perfectionism, and the pressure to mask their struggles. But here’s the truth: your ADHD doesn’t make you less. It makes you uniquely you, and the key to thriving is embracing that.

Self-compassion and acceptance are not just buzzwords – they’re transformative practices that can help you shift from self-doubt to self-confidence.

Why ADHD Challenges Feel Different for Women

ADHD doesn’t show up the same way for everyone, and women often face unique struggles. Many of us didn’t get diagnosed until adulthood, after years of masking symptoms and wondering why life felt harder than it seemed for others.

Instead of the hyperactivity often associated with ADHD, women are more likely to experience:

• Inattentiveness: Forgetfulness, difficulty focusing, and losing track of tasks.
• Perfectionism: Overcompensating to hide struggles, often leading to burnout.
• Emotional Sensitivity: Feeling emotions intensely and taking criticism deeply to heart.

These challenges are compounded by societal pressures to be organized, nurturing, and constantly “on top of things.” When we fall short, the shame can feel unbearable.

But here’s the good news: self-compassion and acceptance are tools you can use to rewrite this narrative.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a close friend. Instead of spiralling into self-criticism when you miss an appointment or feel overwhelmed, it’s saying:

• “It’s okay to make mistakes. Everyone does.”
• “This is hard right now, but I’ll get through it.”

Research shows that self-compassion improves emotional resilience, reduces anxiety, and helps you recover from setbacks more quickly. For women with ADHD, it can create a powerful shift—from feeling broken to feeling human.

Self-Acceptance: The Game-Changer

While self-compassion is about how you treat yourself in the moment, self-acceptance is about the bigger picture. It’s recognising that your ADHD brain isn’t a flaw to be fixed but a part of who you are.

Self-acceptance means:

• Acknowledging your challenges without judgment.
• Celebrating your strengths, like creativity, empathy, and resilience.
• Letting go of the pressure to meet unrealistic standards.

It doesn’t mean giving up or settling for less. It means creating a life that works for you—one that honours you and the way your brain works.

Practical Strategies for Thriving

If the idea of self-compassion or acceptance feels foreign, that’s okay. These practices take time, but even small steps can make a difference. Here are a few ideas to get started:

1. Set Realistic Expectations

Instead of holding yourself to impossible standards, focus on what’s achievable. Break tasks into smaller steps and celebrate every small win.

2. Use ADHD-Friendly Systems

Your brain isn’t wired to operate like everyone else’s—and that’s okay! Use tools like reminders, visual planners, or digital apps to help you stay on track. These systems aren’t “cheating”; they’re supporting you.

3. Practice Rest Without Guilt

It’s easy to push yourself to exhaustion, especially when ADHD makes it hard to gauge how much time or energy you’ve used. Build intentional breaks into your day. Rest is not lazy—it’s necessary.

4. Shift Your Inner Dialogue

Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. Replace harsh self-criticism with kinder, more supportive language. For example: Instead of: “I’m so disorganised.” Try: “I need a system that works better for me.”

ADHD Strengths Worth Celebrating

ADHD often comes with hidden strengths. The same brain wiring that can make daily tasks challenging also brings creativity, empathy, and out-of-the-box thinking.

Here are just a few ADHD strengths to embrace:

• Creativity: You can connect ideas in innovative ways that others might not see.
• Hyperfocus: When something grabs your interest, you can dive in deeply and excel.
• Empathy: Your emotional sensitivity allows you to connect with others on a meaningful level.
• Resilience: Navigating a world not built for ADHD brains has made you adaptable and resourceful.

By focusing on these strengths, you can start to see your ADHD not as a deficit, but as an integral part of what makes you extraordinary.

Why Self-Compassion Matters

The journey toward self-compassion and acceptance isn’t always linear. There will be days when the critical voice creeps back in, and that’s okay. What matters is learning to pause and choose kindness over judgment.

Through my own journey with ADHD – and my work helping other women – I’ve seen how life-changing this mindset shift can be. When you treat yourself with compassion and accept your ADHD as part of your unique brilliance, you unlock the ability to create a life that feels authentic, fulfilling, and aligned with who you truly are.

Want to Learn More?

If this resonates with you, it’s because I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to doubt yourself, to push through overwhelm, and to wonder if life will ever feel easier. But I also know it can get better—with the right tools, mindset, and support.

That’s why I’ve dedicated my work to empowering women with ADHD to embrace self-compassion, unlock their strengths, and create systems that support their ADHD brain. Whether that’s through 1:1 ADHD coaching, group coaching, workshops, or resources, I help women go from self-doubt to self-confidence.

I’d love to help you too. Contact me and lets book a 30 minute free call, with no obligation. I’m based in Lytham St Annes, but also offer online ADHD Coaching for women from anywhere in the UK and internationally.

The post Embracing Self-Compassion and Acceptance: A Guide for Women with ADHD appeared first on Vicky Ashraf.

ADHD is still very often misunderstood. Most people associate it with being hyperactive, zoning out, being perpetually late, or living in a whirlwind of chaos. But often what goes unseen is the impact of ADHD on mental health.  For those of us with ADHD, it’s not just about the surface-level symptoms that society notices. It’s about how those symptoms shape our self-esteem, our relationships, and even how we see our place in the world.

I know this because I’ve lived it. I was 57 years old when I finally discovered I had ADHD. That late diagnosis was both a relief and a revelation. It helped me make sense of a lifetime of struggles and misunderstandings, but it also opened my eyes to the mental health toll ADHD can take when it’s undiagnosed or unsupported.

In this blog, I want to share the deeper reality of living with ADHD, how the condition profoundly affects mental health, why it’s about so much more than being “scatterbrained,” and how you can begin to heal and thrive with the right support.

ADHD and Mental Health: A Complex Relationship

The connection between ADHD and mental health is undeniable. There are many studies showing that people with ADHD are more likely to experience mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression and OCD. But why does ADHD have such a profound effect on mental health.

ADHD symptoms aren’t isolated quirks, they are very much part of a neurodevelopmental condition, which lead to persistent challenges that shape every aspect of life:

The impact of ADHD on mental health, stems from two primary sources: the internal battles we fight with our own brains and the external pressures we face in a world that misunderstands us.

1. Internal Battles: Living in a Constant Storm

ADHD isn’t just an occasional distraction; it’s a 24/7 experience.

The Overwhelming Mental Load

Imagine your mind constantly running in overdrive, struggling to prioritise a hundred thoughts at once. This mental chaos makes even simple tasks, like remembering to send an email or paying a bill on time, feel monumental. Over time, this constant battle creates chronic stress and anxiety.

The Toll of Emotional Dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation is a hallmark of ADHD that doesn’t get enough attention. Small frustrations can spiral into overwhelming anger or despair, leaving you emotionally drained. I’ve experienced this firsthand: the tears over forgetting something trivial, the guilt from snapping at a loved one, the shame of feeling “too sensitive.”

Negative Self-Talk

For many of us, ADHD turns into a relentless inner critic. Every missed deadline, every forgotten appointment, every impulsive decision becomes another reason to believe, I’m not good enough.

2. External Pressures: Living in a World That Doesn’t Understand ADHD

ADHD is an invisible condition, and the world often doesn’t make room for its challenges.

Societal Expectations

We live in a society that values productivity, punctuality, and organisation, areas where ADHD brains naturally struggle. When you consistently fall short of these expectations, it’s easy to feel like a failure.

Judgment and Misunderstanding

People with ADHD, either diagnosed or undiagnosed, are often from an early age labelled as lazy, careless, or even selfish. These labels stick. Over time, we begin to internalise them, believing that our struggles are character flaws rather than symptoms of a neurological condition. 

Rejection Sensitivity

Many people with ADHD also experience rejection-sensitive dysphoria, an intense emotional reaction to real or perceived criticism. This makes every missed opportunity, every critique, and every failed relationship feel devastatingly personal. This self-doubt erodes confidence, self-esteem, and plants the seeds of depression.

From my own experiences, I remember always feeling like I was working harder than everyone else just to keep up. But no matter how hard I tried, I was always the one who forgot something, got overwhelmed, or didn’t meet expectations. Each of those moments chipped away at my self-esteem, leaving me feeling like I was failing at life in ways others couldn’t see.

How ADHD Symptoms Erode Mental Health

1. Chronic Overwhelm and Anxiety

Living with ADHD often feels like your brain is a web browser with too many tabs open. Even mundane tasks can feel colossal because of the constant juggling act.

For me, the anxiety wasn’t just about missing deadlines or forgetting appointments. It was the gnawing fear of letting people down. This chronic sense of overwhelm builds over time, creating a cycle where anxiety feeds into the chaos ADHD already creates.

2. The Weight of Shame

Shame is one of the heaviest burdens ADHD carries. Forgetting something important or blurting out the wrong thing doesn’t just feel like a mistake, it feels like a personal failing.

When I think about the years before my diagnosis, I see how shame became a shadow over my life. I blamed myself for every missed opportunity and every relationship that didn’t work out. I thought, if only I were better, smarter, more disciplined, I would feel normal. That internalised shame robbed me of joy and self-compassion for far too long.

3. Emotional Dysregulation and Low Mood

One of the lesser-known impacts of ADHD is emotional dysregulation. It’s not just about getting frustrated or teary-eyed easily, it’s about feeling like you can’t control your emotional reactions, no matter how hard you try.

For me, this meant that small setbacks felt like insurmountable failures, and rejection, real or perceived, hit like a tidal wave. These intense emotions often left me feeling emotionally drained and contributed to the bouts of depression. I didn’t even realise why, as I had no awareness I was living with undiagnosed ADHD.

Finding A Way Back: The Power of Understanding

When I was diagnosed at 57, it was like someone handed me the missing piece of a puzzle I’d been trying to solve my entire life. I had been constantly searching for a reason that explained my behaviours. Suddenly, everything made sense, the struggles, the patterns, the feelings I couldn’t explain. It was so empowering to let go of the stories I had made up about myself. My diagnosis wasn’t a magic wand, but what really changed things was learning to approach my ADHD, and myself, with kindness and compassion instead of criticism.

Healing and Thriving with ADHD

Healing from the mental health impacts of ADHD requires more than medication or strategies for time management (though those can help!). It’s about rebuilding your relationship with yourself. Here’s what made the difference for me, and what I now work on with my ADHD coaching clients:

1. Releasing Shame

Understanding that ADHD isn’t a failing, but a neurological difference, was the first step toward releasing shame. When I learned to separate myself from my symptoms, I could finally see my strengths, and they are just as real and as part of me, as my challenges.

2. Creating Structure That Supports, Not Shames

Traditional advice like “just try harder” or “get organised” doesn’t work for ADHD brains. Instead, I focus on creating systems that work for me, ones that account for my needs. And now, for the first time, I celebrate my progression over perfection.

3. Practicing the essential Self-Compassion I deserve.

This was the hardest and most transformative step. Instead of berating myself for mistakes, I started treating myself with the kindness I would show a friend. It’s an ongoing journey, but it’s one that has profoundly changed how I see myself. I’ve gone from not feeling good enough in every area of my life, to I absolutely AM good enough.

How I Can Help You

If you’re reading this and resonating with my story, please know that you’re not alone. ADHD is challenging, but it doesn’t have to define you. Through my work as an ADHD coach, I support women to navigate the challenges of ADHD and most importantly to rebuild the confidence and self-esteem that it often steals.

Whether you’re struggling with the chaos of daily life, battling the shame and self-doubt that comes with years of feeling “different,” or simply looking for strategies that actually work for your brain, I’m here to support you.

ADHD doesn’t define your worth. Yes, it makes life harder in ways others might not see and yes, it can erode your mental health if left unsupported. But with the right tools, understanding, and compassion, you can rewrite your story.

I’ve lived the challenges of ADHD. I’ve felt the weight of shame and the sting of failure. But I’ve also found joy, resilience, and purpose. I want to support you to experience yourself and your life in a way that finally allows you to see and accept yourself, just the way you are.

If you’re ready to take the first step to manage your ADHD, let’s connect. Contact me – (link to coaching page) and let’s arrange a free introduction call, where we can discuss together, how we can create a plan that works for you, one that is rooted in understanding and compassion. Let me help you to change your beliefs to support you, and to finally realise that you are capable of so much more than you think. I am based in Lancashire, but it doesn’t matter where you are, as I work as an ADHD coach, with clients both in the UK and internationally.

The post The Impact of ADHD on Mental Health: Beyond what others see and how to get support appeared first on Vicky Ashraf.

ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is a neurodevelopmental condition that can significantly affect an individual’s ability to manage various aspects of daily life, particularly in the workplace. People with ADHD often experience difficulties maintaining focus on tasks, organising their workload, and regulating impulsive behaviours.

These challenges arise from differences in executive functioning, which governs skills like planning, time management, and self-control. In a professional setting, these difficulties can manifest in several ways. For example:

• Difficulty focusing: Sustaining attention on tasks, especially those that are repetitive or uninteresting, can be challenging. This may result in incomplete work or overlooked details, leading to errors.
• Poor organisation: Managing multiple tasks or keeping track of deadlines can feel overwhelming. This can lead to disorganised workspaces, forgotten appointments, or missed deadlines, all of which may affect productivity and teamwork.
• Impulsive behaviour: Acting without fully considering the consequences may result in interrupting others, making hasty decisions, or struggling to follow workplace protocols. This can sometimes strain professional relationships or disrupt workflows.

These challenges can contribute to workplace issues such as unmet expectations, frequent mistakes, or a perception of unreliability. Over time, this may lead to disciplinary action, strained relationships with colleagues or managers, and, in severe cases, dismissal from a job.

However, it is essential to recognise that individuals with ADHD often bring unique strengths to the workplace. These can include creativity, strong problem-solving abilities, the ability to hyper-focus on engaging tasks, and high levels of energy. With appropriate accommodations, strategies, and understanding from employers, individuals with ADHD can thrive professionally.

Examples of supportive measures include structured routines, flexible deadlines, regular feedback, and tools such as planners or task management software.

Access to Work programme

1. Top of Form

The Access to Work programme, run by the UK government, provides up to £69,260 annually to help individuals with disabilities or health conditions, including ADHD, to start or stay in work. This grant is designed to support people in various employment situations and doesn’t affect other benefits or need repayment. Some costs may need to be covered upfront by you or your employer, with reimbursement provided later.

The grant can assist with:

• Starting a new job
• Continuing employment
• Moving into self-employment or launching a business (excluding start-up costs)

The program is available to anyone in work, regardless of full-time or part-time status, salary, or employment type. However, it’s not available to those who are retired, unable to work or are looking for business startup costs.

Types of Support Available

For individuals with ADHD, examples of commonly requested accommodations include:

• ADHD Coaching: to provide tailored strategies for managing ADHD at work.
  Noise-cancelling headphones to reduce distractions.
• Funding for ergonomic furniture to aid focus and posture
  Specialist equipment for assistive technologies
• Mental health support
• Training

Application Process for Access to Work Support

Applying for Access to Work involves an application and, if accepted, an assessment to determine specific needs. The support plan developed may include:

• Flexible work schedules to accommodate medication effects or energy levels
• A mentor for additional guidance
• Extra time for task completion
• Additional training opportunities
• Regular check-ins with your manager
• A phased return to work, with reduced hours or days

Access to Work also collaborates with your employer to recommend workplace adjustments. Employers are responsible for initial costs, which the government reimburses.

Eligibility Requirements for Access to Work

You don’t need a formal diagnosis to apply, though having one may strengthen your application. ADHD is recognised as a mental health disability under the Mental Health Act (1990). To qualify, you must meet these criteria:

• Have a physical or mental health condition or disability impacting your work or commute
• Be 16 or older
• Be in paid work or due to start/return to work within 12 weeks, including remote roles
• Be employed or self-employed
• Reside and work in England, Scotland, or Wales (Northern Ireland has a different system; Access to Work isn’t available in the Channel Islands or Isle of Man)

How to Apply:

Visit the official Access to Work webpage to check eligibility and submit your application

What Happens After Applying?

Once you apply, an Access to Work assessor, typically a government contractor, will contact you. They’ll discuss your job role and the impact of your condition on work to determine suitable support. The assessor may need to communicate with your employer or visit your workplace to better understand your needs. Generally, the employer initially pays for the accommodations, then claims reimbursement.

I work as an online ADHD Coach throughout the UK, so if you have any questions at all or if I can support you in any way, please get in touch.  https://wellbeing-counsellingservice.co.uk/ or call me on 0795 443 4840

The post UK Access to Work Programme appeared first on Vicky Ashraf.

As an online ADHD coach, with ADHD myself, I know living with adult ADHD brings a complex set of challenges, where traits can manifest in unique and sometimes subtle ways. Let’s explore some common symptoms, many of which can make daily life more demanding.

Inattention and Focus

As an online ADHD coach with ADHD myself, I know that living with adult ADHD brings a complex set of challenges. Traits can manifest in unique and sometimes subtle ways. Let’s explore some common symptoms, many of which can make daily life more demanding.

Inattention and Focus

One of the core struggles for women with ADHD is maintaining focus, particularly with tasks that demand sustained attention or lack immediate interest. You may find yourself with a short attention span, easily distracted, or making careless mistakes. Being so easily distracted may shift your attention to other areas, and before you know it, you have several unfinished tasks to contend with.

Task Sequencing Difficulties

Complex, multi-step tasks can feel overwhelming. Remembering and following through with step-by-step instructions can make jobs like cooking, managing multi-stage projects, or following directions more difficult than they may appear to others.

Time Blindness

ADHD often impacts a person’s sense of time, making it hard to gauge how much time has passed or estimate the time needed for a task. This “time blindness” complicates time management, leading to delays and last-minute rushes.

Mental Overwhelm

When faced with heavy workloads or copious amounts of information, your brain may struggle to keep up, resulting in mental overwhelm. Everyday tasks can become daunting, and even simple chores may feel paralyzing, leading to stress and anxiety.

Hyperfocus

Hyperfocus, a common ADHD trait, is an intense fixation on a single task or activity, often to the point of losing track of time and ignoring other responsibilities. While it can be productive, hyperfocus can also make shifting your attention to other areas challenging.

Forgetfulness

Forgetfulness is a frequent part of living with ADHD. Tasks, appointments, or important items can slip through the cracks. You may find yourself misplacing things or overlooking essential responsibilities despite your best intentions.

Emotional Dysregulation

Intense emotions are common, leading to sudden mood swings and a heightened struggle to regulate your feelings. Managing emotions can become challenging, adding strain to both personal and professional relationships.

Talkative Nature

You might find yourself speaking more than intended or interrupting conversations without realizing it. This talkative tendency can impact social interactions.

Chronic Self-Doubt

Women with ADHD are often critical of themselves, frequently judging themselves negatively. This cycle of self-doubt can cause a persistent sense of “not feeling good enough,” harming self-esteem.

Masking Your Real Self

To blend in, you may feel compelled to hide your authentic self. This “masking” can involve mirroring others, often those who are neurotypical, to fit in.

Sensory Overload

Everyday sensory experiences—sounds, sights, smells, touch—can feel hyper-sensitive, leading to feelings of overwhelm. This impacts concentration, stress levels, and daily demands.

Fidgeting and Restlessness

ADHD often involves a need to move, which can manifest in tapping, pacing, or an inability to sit still for long. This restlessness can lead to a feeling of judgment from others.

Self-Critical Overachiever

Many women with ADHD constantly push themselves to excel, setting high expectations and overworking to achieve them. Despite achievements, there may still be a lingering sense of not doing enough.

Perfectionism

The strive for perfectionism may make starting tasks difficult, as fear of failure or not meeting high standards can become paralyzing.

Impostor Syndrome

Doubting your abilities, even after success, is common with ADHD. Impostor syndrome can lead to burnout from overworking to prove yourself.

Lack of Self-Trust

ADHD can erode confidence in your decisions and instincts, leading to self-doubt and indecisiveness.

Need for Control

To offset the unpredictability of ADHD, you may feel a strong need for control, often manifested through rigid routines, over-scheduling, or micromanaging tasks.

Social Anxiety

Social situations can be daunting, with worries about judgment or rejection. Meeting new people or navigating group settings may trigger nervousness.

Chronic Boredom

Boredom is a common experience, as your brain may crave constant stimulation. This can sometimes lead to risky behaviors or difficulty committing to hobbies or relationships.

Sleep Difficulties

Restlessness and an overactive mind often interfere with sleep, contributing to chronic fatigue and impacting energy levels.

Rumination

Persistent thoughts may make it hard to find peace or let go of worries, interfering with a sense of calm and well-being.

Relationship Challenges

ADHD can impact relationships, particularly for women who may struggle with communication, forgetfulness, and impulsivity.

Chronic Exhaustion

Balancing ADHD symptoms with everyday responsibilities can lead to chronic fatigue, even after a full night’s sleep.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

RSD is a heightened response where even minor criticism feels like rejection, triggering emotional pain. This can lead to overwhelming feelings of shame, anxiety, or anger.

Empower Yourself with Understanding and Support

ADHD is a complex and unique experience, but it also includes many benefits—being super-intuitive, extremely empathetic, and having a highly creative mind, to name a few. With awareness and the right support, you can thrive with both the challenges and gifts ADHD brings.

I’m an ADHD Coach, working online to support women who want to break free from the limitations ADHD may bring. I have firsthand experience with these symptoms and have learned strategies to manage many of them, while accepting others with kindness toward myself. Recognizing these traits can empower you to explore strategies that help manage symptoms, build resilience, and tap into your strengths. Remember, you are not alone on this journey. There is hope, and with understanding and compassion, you can find a way forward.

If I can help you in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out to see how my ADHD Coaching can support you.

The post Understanding the Daily Challenges of Adult ADHD in Women appeared first on Vicky Ashraf.

I love to know that I’m appreciated. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel valued. It makes me feel seen. It gives me a sense of meaning and a deeper connection with the people in my life who are sharing their appreciation of me. In fact, the feel-good hormones it sends around my body feels bloody amazing! And let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to feel that? Who wouldn’t want to experience all those wonderful emotions being appreciated generates and ultimately who wouldn’t want to feel that deeper connection with those who are important to us? I love to give appreciations too, it makes me feel enriched and fulfilled. I feel warm knowing the positive impact my gratefulness will have on someone I care deeply for.

Yet, being a couples therapist in Lytham St Annes, it often saddens me when couples first come to see me, and they share that they don’t tell their partner on a regular basis what they love about them. Sometimes they never share this. They have lost sight of what they value in each other and over time they have developed a pattern of putting on blinkers and only seeing the stuff their partner does wrong, the stuff that irritates them and the stuff that creates a disconnect between them. They become critical of each other, and this behaviour in a relationship can become toxic, damaging and is one that erodes away positive connection in a relationship.

When couples come to see me for relationship counselling, ultimately, they want to reconnect. One way I support them in this is by helping them to remove their blinkers and really starting to focus on what they love and appreciate about each other. It could be an act of kindness that really touches them, a personality trait they find endearing, or something they are attracted to in their physical appearance. Developing this into a daily practice begins to build a solid foundation on which they can reconnect with each other. It makes them feel good about themselves and each other and it offers balance to any challenges they may be facing in their relationship.

It’s actually quite emotional to see the response between couples as they begin to really take on board how they are appreciated by their partners. So why not give it a go. Start to focus every day on one thing you appreciate about your partner and as you do, start to enjoy the positive shift in your relationship.

I love the Imago Dialogue to help couples do this… Here’s how it works…

• Pick a time of day where both of you are emotionally available to hear each other.
• Choose a position where you can sit face-to-face.
• Hold hands and establish eye contact and take 3 deep breaths
• Choose one appreciation each and talk about why it’s important to you and how it makes you feel

Now follow these steps! Start with who will share an appreciation first… This person is called the ‘sender’. The person receiving the appreciation is called the ‘receiver’

1. Make and appointment

Sender: I would like to share an appreciation. Is now a good time?

Receiver: Yes, I’m available

2. Begin Dialogue

Sender: One thing I appreciate about you is……….

Receiver: Mirror back word for word what you have heard, check for accuracy by saying ‘Did I get you?’ then ask, ‘Is there more?’ (This then allows your partner to deepen the appreciation by sharing more about it.)

Sender: I especially appreciate this because……

Receiver: Mirror, Check for accuracy. Is there more?

Sender: When I think about this, I feel……

Receiver: Mirror – Check for accuracy – Is there more?

3. Summarise

Receiver: In summary you said …… Is that a good summary? (Summarising what you have heard, shows your partner that you were really listening to the meaning of what they were saying)

Sender: Yes, or Almost, but what I really want you to hear is……

Receiver: Mirror the additional part. Check for accuracy

4. Closing

Sender: Thank you for listening

Receiver: Thank you for sharing

5. Switch Roles

The post Critical or Appreciative? appeared first on Vicky Ashraf.

Is your juggling and lack of focus on yourself damaging your relationship?

Life is demanding. You’re juggling lots of balls! Home, work, kids, family, your relationships, plus all that life admin that seems to soak up so much of your time! You’re running on empty! It often feels overwhelming. You’re tired, drained and completely exhausted! So where on earth do you summon up the energy to invest in each other? Does this sound familiar?

So now consider this question.

‘Do you see practising Self Care as selfish of essential?’

Firstly, let’s look at what does self-care actually mean? I guess it will mean different things to different people, but in a nutshell, it is just about anything we do be take care of ourselves. It is about being kind and treating ourselves as we would treat the people in our lives we care about. It focuses on behaviours that we do deliberately, in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health.

When we disregard our self-care, we can repeatedly find ourselves heading towards burnout, where we feel exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed. We can find we have an inability to say no to others demands, but by doing so, we are actually saying no to our own needs.

I see so much of this in my therapy room in Lytham St Annes, where I work as a couples therapist. When couples come for relationship counselling, they often don’t think about the consequences that neglecting their self-care can have on their relationship.

How can we give to our partner if we don’t give to ourselves first. It’s like the age old saying ‘Put your own oxygen mask on first!’ Why? Because when we do, we make an investment in ourselves and begin cultivating positive behaviours that impact not only on us, but everyone around us. As soon as we start to take time for ourselves in order to meet our own needs, we become more resilient and able to handle life’s stresses much more effectively. We feel revitalised inside and out and feel better about ourselves and less resentful of others. We begin to have a deeper value of who we are and feel calmer and more empowered. Through this, we then find we have more energy to invest not only in ourselves, but also in our relationships.

Imagine that! EVERYONE benefits!

I’m curious, what does YOUR self-care looks like? In the past, I spent years neglecting mine and as a result, I often felt low, drained, and completely overwhelmed, especially when life threw extra obstacles and challenges in my way.

I felt utterly depleted with the stresses of everyday life, but the concept of putting myself first, felt utterly self-indulgent I had so much to take care of in my life, I just didn’t have time for me. Inevitably though, my lack of focus on myself, meant that I often felt stressed, worn-out, irritable, and completely run down. I was just not coping, and felt I was failing as a mum, a wife, in my job and well, in just about everything.

My lack of focus on myself led to stress and burnout and in order to begin recovery from this, I was forced down the route of self-care. I had no other choice!

I learnt that by looking after myself and making time for me, in fact made me a better and more patient parent, a more loving and connected partner and a much more cheerful person for people to be around. I started to move myself up my list of priorities and really consider my own needs. I took time out to invest in the things I enjoyed outside the pressures of everyday life, and as I did, I was able to successfully manage my stress. My relationships with everyone in my life improved!

Therefore, when you look at self-care in this way, it’s actually selfish NOT to look after yourself. Eleanor Brown sums it up beautifully, by saying ‘Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish yourself, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”

I would like to conclude by asking you to consider 2 things. Firstly, after reading this, what do you believe now? Is self-care selfish or essential? Secondly, what will you take from this, about your own self-care that will positively impact on you and those around you and give you that energy you need to invest in your relationship!

The post Selfish or essential? appeared first on Vicky Ashraf.

There is a question that has floated around my head, even before I became a relationship counsellor in Lytham St Annes. The question is ‘Why, when we love someone, can we sometimes say the nastiest, most hurtful things to them in the heat of a row?’ By saying cruel words to our partner, we are making them feel bad about themselves, leaving them feeling vulnerable and unloved, not to mention the damage to the intimacy and connection our words cause to the relationship. Furthermore, when the dust has settled and we are in a calmer place, we feel bad about ourselves for causing someone we love so much pain. We have to sit with the guilt of the hurt we have created. Nobody wins and nothing is resolved.

When couples come for relationship therapy, I see on one hand the depth of love they have for each other, but on the other I often feel so saddened about the pain they cause with the unkindness of their words. In this moment of conflict, what each of them actually want, is to be heard and understood by each other.

The thing is, we are never going to be heard or understood, if we are verbally attacking one another. Our partner will be defensive and way too busy thinking how to attack back, and before you know it, we are slap bang in the middle of a battle ground. Consequently, we will most definitely NOT be listening to each other, and we will NOT be trying to understand each other’s struggles in that moment. If we get trapped in the habit of using negativity, the thing we want the most is the thing we will get the least.

In Imago Relationship Therapy, when couples need to talk about problematic areas of difference, we work with what we call Zero Negativity. We practice this concept, as ultimately when conflicts arise in relationships, we need and want to feel safe, and no relationship will feel safe if negativity is present. Tone of voice, an eye roll, silence, criticism, shame, blame, deflection, disempowerment, accusations, and contempt are all examples of negativity.

Zero negativity is not about suppressing your thoughts and feelings, as this isn’t healthy for your relationship either. Harville and Helen, the founders of Imago Relationship Therapy, explain that ‘While zero negativity does mean reframing from all put downs, negative comments and behaviours, it does not mean we cannot express our negative feelings or frustrations, but we can share them in an intentional, responsible way!’

Zero negativity…….. here’s how!

1. Commit to a period of time to practice Zero Negativity! 30 days, if possible, but if that feels too big, work with what you think is achievable, even 24 hours is a start!
2. Give each other the gift of your full attention
3. Talk about yourself rather than your partner. Talk about your own hurts, fears, reactions, desires etc. For example, ‘How I’m triggered when I feel ignored is……’ ‘How this makes me feel is……’ ‘How I behave when this happens is….’
4. Negativity can be quite addictive for some people and difficult to let go of. So be patient with each other, it will take practice. Agree to give a signal to your partner if you experience a rupture. A simple verbal communication of ‘ouch’ will assist in helping to reframe the negativity and restore connection between you.

If you continue your communication in this positive way, alongside practicing appreciations every day (see my blog Critical or Appreciative) you will see a definite shift in your relationship.

The post How to communicate in a way that you are both heard. appeared first on Vicky Ashraf.

You may set goals in work, finances, fitness, and other important areas of your life, but do you ever sit down together and share all the things you would like to have and achieve in your relationship? Maybe you did in the early days, but as life stresses take over, it’s been forgotten.

What does the relationship of your dreams look like? Maybe you think about the things you want, but do you really focus on them? Do you even know whether your partner wants the same things? You might assume they do, but do they really?

When there is dissatisfaction in a relationship, it is often because these things aren’t communicated between you, and the reality may be that your partner’s vision isn’t always matching up to yours, in what you believe a relationship should be like. Some things might be the same, some different, and others mismatched.

Working together to create a shared relationship vision can bring back love, joy and re-establish connection. It gives you a road map to reach your destination of reconnection and happiness.

However, simply making a relationship vision and storing it away in a draw somewhere, only looking at it briefly every few months, won’t get you anywhere. Loving, connected relationships require commitment, so you have to engage with your relationship vision. It’s one thing to agree on what you both want, but it’s action that will move you forward.

We get in life what we focus on, so work on it consistently and use it to guide your desires for your relationship and start making your aspirations a reality.

Here’s how

Creating Your Relationship Vision

From: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly

Time: Approximately 60 minutes.

Purpose: This exercise will help you see the potential in your relationship.

Comments: Do this exercise together.

Directions:

1. Use two sheets of paper, one for each of you. (See below) Working separately, write a series of short sentences that describe your personal vision of a deeply satisfying love relationship. Include qualities you already have that you want to keep and qualities you wish you had. Write each sentence in the present tense, as if it were already happening. For example: “We have fun together,” “We have great sex,” “We are loving parents,” “We are affectionate with each other.” Make all your statements positive. Write “We settle our differences peacefully” rather than “We don’t fight.”

2. Share your sentences. Note the items that you have in common and underline them. (It doesn’t matter if you have used different words, as long as the general idea is the same.) If your partner has written sentences that you agree with but did not think of yourself, add them to your list. For the moment, ignore items that are not shared.

3. Now turn to your own expanded list and rank each sentence (including the ones that are not shared) with a number from 1 to 5 according to its importance to you, with 1 indicating “very important” and 5 indicating “not so important.”

4. Circle the two items that are most important to you.

5. Put a tick beside those items that you think would be most difficult for the two of you to achieve.

6. Now work together to design a mutual relationship vision similar to the following example. Start with the items that you both agree are most important. Put a tick by those items that you both agree would be difficult to achieve. At the bottom of the list, write items that are relatively unimportant. If you have items that are a source of conflict between you, see if you can come up with a compromise statement that satisfies both of you. If not, leave the item off your combined list.

Our Shared Relationship Vision Example

We have fun together.
We settle our differences peacefully.
We have satisfying and beautiful sex.
We are healthy and physically active.
We communicate easily and openly.
We worship together.
We are each other’s best friends.
We have happy and secure children.
We trust each other.
We are sexually faithful.
We both have satisfying careers.
We work together well as parents.
We share important decisions.
We meet each other’s deepest needs.
We have daily private time.
We feel safe with each other.
We are financially secure.
We live close to our parents.

7. Post this list where you can see it daily. Once a week, check-in where you are up to!

Good luck!

I’m based in Lytham St Annes, so if you need help in your relationship and would like to explore more about Imago Relationship Therapy and how it can benefit you both, please just get in touch by calling 0795 4434 840 or email me at vicky@wellbeingservice.co.uk Relationship Counselling is truly a great support to help you work through the disconnect and struggles in your relationship.

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